Basic Protocol
Commonly Accepted Courtesy
by Tatu 10/05
Commonly Accepted Courtesy
When I was a small boy growing up in North Louisiana and then East Texas
I was taught to use common courtesy. Some of these protocols of courtesy
involve the use of:
* Sir or Ma'am with all persons of authority, parents, teachers, law enforcement,
politicians, or even the person at the counter in the store.
* Opening the door for a lady or the elderly
* Deferring speaking in a conversation to someone who was an adult or older
or in more of a position of authority.
So saying Sir or Ma'am came naturally to me. Even though I identify as a
Dominant in the lifestyle, using Sir and Ma'am is still second nature to
me.
In the world of D/s there is an emphasis on the desire for courtesy among
community members. The usage of "Sir" or "Ma'am" is the simplest and most
basic way that courtesy can be expressed.
So how are we to use these terms? Actually there is some disagreement about
this. Some will say that all submissives should use them of all who identify
as Dominants in the community. Others will object and say they cannot or
will not use the terms Sir or Ma'am unless that respect is earned or deserved.
I must confess that I fell into that latter group until just recently. Honestly
I had never thought it through, I just fell into that practice of believing
that no submissive or anyone should be expected to use Sir or Ma'am with
a Dominant unless there was something there to be respected. I think I fell
into that belief because, like all of us, having had my fair share of run-in's
with a few that I had held little or no respect for was a natural way for
me to show my disrespect by not using these terms with them.
I have, however, thought through this issue lately with my friend and soulmate,
shevah and I have had a change of heart in this matter. See Dominants can
learn from submissives.
What I have concluded with the help of her solid reasoning is that to withhold
the common courtesy of Sir or Ma'am for any reason is to violate my own principal
of love which I define as "unconditional positive regard". By doing so, I
was placing conditions if not being outright judgmental of others in the
community that for some reason I did not feel deserved my full respect. I
can see now how that was very wrong of me.
It also violates my principal of living with forgiveness in my heart and
not holding grudges. While it has been easy for me as Eastern School D/s
to Zen out and just not care as something did not seem important to me, or
I would simply assign it to some energy to take care of later. I now see
I must be more proactive if I am to live with an unconditional positive regard
to my fellow community members.
She pointed out to me as we sat in a restaurant ordering our supper how I
naturally said "thank you Sir" or "thank you Ma'am" to the waiter or waitress.
Then she asked, if you would show that basic courtesy to a waiter or a clerk
in the grocery store, someone I did not even know, why would I not use them
with my fellow community members, just because I may not see eye to eye with
them on something. She was right. I was wrong.
I have always made it a practice even as a Dominant myself to address other
Dominants I respected as Sir or Ma'am. Now I will do so regardless of my
subjective feelings or opinions. Why? Because I truly see the community as
a whole as much more important than any one of us.
I hope that all submissives and Dominants will consider joining me in reviving
this basic courtesy among us, expressed in an unconditional manner.
The community is larger and much more important than any opinion I or any
one of us may have of another. When I am dead and gone, there will still
be a community here. It is attitudes like this that many of us have had,
that have polarized our community at times.
We must simply learn to sometimes "agree to disagree" and do it with mutual
respect.
So if we are to truly to be "community", we have to truly embrace the principal
of love, that "unconditional positive regard" for one another; and we can
undergird that principal with the basic and common usage of "Sir" and "Ma'am".
So from now on I will encourage those I mentor or watch over to use these
terms out of common courtesy and respect with every Dominant, period. I will
use them of my fellow Dominants as an example to others regardless of any
subjective feelings. It is just the right thing to do.
Are there exceptions this? Of course. There are always those unscrupulous
truly evil sociopath's out there that are not deserving of anything, but
we avoid those people anyway so it's not an issue. So, I challenge each of
us to embrace this principal for the common good of a healthy and growing
BDSM / Fetish / Alternative Lifestyles Community.
~Tatu
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