By Master Tatu
August 2001

One of the most watched television series in recent years was the Ellen DeGeneres April 30, 1997 episode when she comes "out" on prime time national television as being a lesbian, both with her sitcom character and in real life.

The issue of whether or not to be "out" among the gay and lesbian communities has been a long and painful journey for millions of people. The fear of losing one's job, being shunned by family and friends has been a a very real one. Indeed America has become more tolerant of sexual diversities in recent years, primarily in larger metropolitan areas, but bigotry and hate still exists everywhere. 

In the past 10 years or so, with the advent of the internet, millions of hetero-sexual Americans have discovered a kinkier sex lifestyle in D/s, SM or BDSM, and face some of the same lifestyle issues that gays have for decades. Indeed many of the same concerns of being out or being outed gripes the new kinky hetero populace with the fear of losing jobs and family.

Hardly a day goes by that we don't hear of the terrifying results of a custody battle, where a great mother, loses her children, because it was revealed that her sexuality involves other women, or the enjoyment of something other than of traditional "vanilla" sex.

The Florida BDSM community was rocked  last year when it was revealed how one so-called lifestylist took photos of a female in a scene and then in a vindictive act sent them to her ex-husband causing a long and expensive custody battle.

While it is true that what goes on in the privacy of one's own "adult space", and doesn't involve the children, should not be anyone's business, the reality is we still live in an unenlightened world when it comes to sexuality. Religion and culture still dictates many of the perverted values relative to sex in our society. Judges are supposed to consider the care of the children and not their lifestyle, but the reality these judges are influenced by religion and politics just like anyone else, and can make biased subjective decisions very easily.

So what does being out mean?

To gays and lesbians it simply means, allowing the "straight" immediate family and close friends the knowledge that one is gay or lesbian or bi-sexual.

To the SM or D/s crowd it means allowing those same people the knowledge that your lifestyle is a bit kinkier than probably theirs is.

What is Outing?

"Outing" is simply when one 's person's BDSM practices are "non-consensually" revealed to that persons vanilla world. It is when that kinky screen name is revealed to the vanilla world by their real vanilla name, "John. Q. Public". This is outing. Unfortunately "outing" is used as a tool or a weapon among some unscrupulous so called lifestylists to try and gain power.

There is an unwritten code among BDSM people that it is a cardinal sin for one lifestylist to reveal the BDSM lifestyle of another to their vanilla family and friends. Doing so often results in the rest of the community shunning that person.

Unfortunately, there is no heirarchy, no council to appeal to for judicial action in the BDSM community. So it is up to the community as a whole to not welcome such a person.

This issue is faced when it comes to presenters at national conventions, workshops and seminars. The two largest national BDSM organizations have taken hard stands where some lifestylist broke this rule, not allowing that person to present at their events any longer.  They are to be applauded. For without honor there simply is no lifestyle.

What Outing is not.

Outing is not one lifestylist warning another of the presence potentially dangerous person, such as sex offenders, dangerous criminals or con artists working the scene. This is something that naturally takes place among the community, because we love and care about one another.  For one lifestylist to warn others concerning the criminal acts of another is not outing. Those are relevant community  Safe Sane Consensual issues.

The last thing any of us want is to have a dangerous felon at our local gathering. The world looks at us harsh enough without us allowing inappropriate persons in our circle of fellowship.

There is no "clearing house" if you will of "Dangerous Doms" or "psycho subs". It is each of our responsibilities to watch each others backs if you will.

So should I Come Out?

That is totally up to you. No one however should make that decision for you. Many who have no children at home, or perhaps work for themselves or are retired, have little to risk and decide it matters not, and have no problem telling the world they are into SM.  Others have much to risk, and we must respect their decision to be discreet. We should be careful not to reveal real names of lifestylists. When we run into that Domme you met at the last party, we need to use extreme care in approaching her when you accidentally bump into her at the local mall. She could have children or family close by.

Once again honor and respect are the key words. These are the core values to what we are all about.

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