| Symbols of
Ownership
Collars, Contracts, Markings and other Symbols of Ownership
by Master Tatu The collar in a D/s relationship is a very important symbol in our community. Unfortunately with the popularization of S&M themes in contemporary culture by pop icons like Madonna, the collar is often used as nothing more than a fashion statement. Anyone with the desire can enter into their local fetish store, biker store, or even local newsstand and purchase a collar without any real knowledge of its significance. A collar is not a fashion accessory, and newcomers to the scene should not just buy one to wear with their new leather outfit to attend their first D/s party. Doing so would be to show great disrespect for the members of the community. There are many opinions about collars, their origins, and use. What follows are generally accepted practices. GENERAL *ALL Collars are the property of the Dominant. When a Dominant releases a submissive the collar should be taken off immediately and personally returned to the Dominant. To not return a collar once the relationship has ended is sign of great disrespect to the symbols and traditions of the community. Collars should be purchased only by a Dominant. * A Dominant should never approach a collared submissive without an understanding with that submissive's Dominant. * Some look at these collars as stages of commitment. While they may be seen that way, each collar may stand on it on.
* Generally speaking in the tradition of the Old Guard Leather community,
there have come to be essentially two and possibly three collars in common
use. Each one has it's purpose and meaning. CONSIDERATION COLLAR * This collar is sometimes combined with the training collar, especially if an ongoing relationship is sought. * There seems to be some question about the origins of this collar and if it has any historical roots or is a modern phenomenon. The only person I have ever seen write about it is Mistress Steel. She does not site her references. * This is an introductory collar. * There are no long term commitments with this collar. At any time designated in the contract either party may terminate the relationship and walk away without blame. *The Dominant is saying that he or she is interested is exploring some type of relationship with the submissive. * This collar as any collar denotes that the submissive has been set aside and is off limits. Other Dominants must respect this symbols or suffer disdain of the community. * Traditionally the collar is leather. * The color of the collar is blue or black with blue. * Usually given privately or in a small ceremony with friends. * Commitment are usually for a specific length of time, with a consideration collar this is normally at least 6 months minimum.
* A contract is written, signed, and periodically renegotiated over the 6
months. TRAINING COLLAR * The Training collar is given by the Dominant for two reasons: 1) When there is a desire to interact and develop a relationship on a more ongoing basis, or. 2) Simply for the training of a submissive for a limited timeframe. * The traditional Training collar is usually leather. It is plain in its appearance.
* The color is normally red or black. * This collar may also be a simple chain and lock. (Note: A chain and lock is also used for temporary training purpose. A submissive may at times be given to another Dominant for specialized training. The training Dominant usually places a chain and lock around the neck of the submissive for the extent of the training. It may be for one scene, a day or a few days.) * The submissive who wears the training collar will now also accept more strenuous expectations of behavior and protocol placed upon them. There is an ongoing working out of the relationship. Communication is vital as they explore the needs and desires of the relationship. * The Dominant and submissive may choose to explore further a more serious relationship at this time. This collar symbolizes to the community that a bonding is going on between Dom and sub. * Usually offered privately or in a small ceremony among friends. * Commitments are usually for a specific length of time, with a training collar this is normally at least 6 months minimum. * A contract is written, signed, and periodically renegotiated. * With this collar either party may walk away from the relationship at any agreed upon juncture, with no blame or fault.
* Mature people should be able to part as friends. FORMAL OR SLAVE COLLAR * The Formal Collar is presented by the Dominant as a formal symbol of the bond with his submissive. It means commitment, love, respect, honor. * This collar may be given in relation with a legal marriage or proposal, or the decision to cohabitate as partners. * The community should view this collar as a sacred symbol of a serious commitment of submission to the Dominant and a pledge of loving leadership by the Dominant. * Slave Collars are black leather usually decorative with special silver metal adornments. Some Formal Collars are made of a brightly polished chrome. All slave collars normally have some locking device as a component * They are usually handmade and created with unique or special design. * Formal Collaring is usually a festive event with invited guests. Many will write a special ceremony, recite poetry, exchange vows. * Commitments are usually open ended at this point.
* A contract is written, signed, and periodically renegotiated at designated
intervals. OTHER SYMBOLS OF OWNERSHIP
* At the formal or slave collar stage, many couples also include permanent
symbols of the event. A submissive may be marked by the Dominant with a tattoo,
piercing,branding or cutting. A traditional symbol used by some following
the story line in "The Story of O" is the placement of a piercing in the
clitoral hood of the female. This piercing denotes submission and it not
looked upon in the D/s community as appropriate piercing for Dommes. Often
the collaring ceremony itself is planned so that guests may watch the marking
of the slave. OTHER DAILY WEAR SYMBOLS OF OWNERSHIP It is not practical or desired usually to wear one's collar on a daily basis. We never want to flaunt our kinks nonconsensually in the face of the vanilla world. So on a daily basis, certain items may be given to wear. Story of O Ring. Rings are made the are a simple band with a movable slave ring attached. Belly Chains. Anklets. These might have charms of special meaning or even what has been termed slave bells. Neck chain and lock. Some of these are made of a material that resemble more like jewelry than what is bought at the pet store. These can be quiet lovely. A simple choker. This could be ornate jewelry to a simple cloth one with perhaps some special design.
A lovely gold or silver neck band. I have seen these with a small ring attached. Again these are designed to look more like a unique piece of jewelry and not a D/s ecoutrement and are wonderful for everyday wear. CONTRACTS It is vitally important that two people discuss their likes, needs, fantasies and boundaries before ever scening together. The limits checklist at this website is a good tool to use. There probably will come a time however when two people wish to enter into a formal understanding of their D/s relationship and make certain lifestyle commitments to each other. Offering a collar is appropriate, but the collar should be accompanied by a contract in order to clarify important issues of what that collar represents to you. The contract comes before the collar. Issues of control, boundaries, expectations etc should be addressed as well as a definite length of time. How much control will the Dominant have? Don't say complete control because that is not realistic. Everyone has boundaries.No one should be required to do anything illegal for instance. No one should be required to violate their sexuality. For example a heterosexual submissive should not be required to perform homosexual acts and vice versa. Expectations should be spelled out for both Dominant and submissive as to the care and feeding of your treasured one. Non consensual abusive behavior emotionally or physically should never be tolerated. If you do, you are not in a D/s relationship but a very sick scene and in need of professional help. It should be understood that a contract for consensual slavery is illegal. You can disavow your rights as an American citizen, but the clause would be null and void, and you are silly to think otherwise. One simply cannot give up their constitutional freedoms in this country. So whatever contract you draw up should in no way be construed as legal "consensual slavery". It is a simple document that defines your relationship. No more, no less. One may chose to act as a slave, but that does not negate you civil rights. Contracts should be revisited from time to time as well as your limits checklist. In fact your limits checklist should be referenced in your contract. As two people interact, it will become necessary to rewrite some things that you now understand better than before. PROPERTY, GIFTS & LOANS Never merge assets. Sometimes I have seen people give over control of their personal assets, bank accounts, etc. This is extremely unwise and just a real bad idea. I have never seen something like this work out. No one should ever consider merging assets unless there is legal marriage involved. And even then I would caution people (especially women) to think long and hard about that . I have also seen, following the parting of two people, much misunderstanding about "gifts" and "loans" that were made during the relationship. When two people are "in lust" with each other, things said like, "Oh I'll pay for that" are often remembered after the relationship ends as "I said I would loan you money for that, now pay me". Don't be naive. The rules are simple: * Gifts are gifts, given freely with nothing expected in return. Otherwise it is not a gift. (A collar is not a gift, it is a symbol of the relationship and owned by the Dominant. The collar is the only thing that should be returned when the relationship terminates. Sometimes even then the Dominant may want the submissive to keep the collar as a token of the wonderful memories they had.) * Never loan money to your submissive or Dom. That is an excellent way to destroy a relationship. Any money given , clothes bought, telephone calls made in a relationship should be construed as a gift, expecting nothing in return. * Meals bought for another are gifts, expecting nothing in return. Don't keep a ledger otherwise it is not a gift. It's not a shame in this day and age to go dutch. A submissive however should never be "required" to pay for meals and other things for the Dominant. * If there is a real financial crisis and one party is in trouble...... First if your submissive is hungry feed her. Buy her a tank of gas, etc. But do these things as gifts, or sign a loan agreement. * If one does intend to loan money for whatever reason, it should be with that clear understanding and the proper legal signed paperwork. The simple guide is..... No paperwork, then the money involved is a gift. * Keep records of yor payments relative to your written agreements, bills paid, etc. * No joint bank accounts. * If a couple decides to cohabitate then a legal agreement should be drawn up to clarify who is responsible for what bills. Don't leave this to chance, and say "oh we love each other, everything will work out".... I promise you.... IT WON'T.
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