by Master Tatu
January 1996

Revised July 2006

So you want to attend a D/s party and you understand there might be some formality or protocols this particular group might practice. You are a little bit intimidated because you fear you might do something wrong.

Relax.

Here are some things you will want to thing about before you attend:

The first rule is courtesy. Perhaps whether kinky or vanilla...one of the most important matters in any gathering above all is courtesy. A submissive or a Dominant need not respect every other Dominant/ Master or Mistress in the community. Indeed one may find others practices not to their own liking. What is expected of everyone is common courtesy. If everyone treats others as they would like to be treated, our community will continue to be a harmonious and happy one.

The second rule is respect. Everyone whether Dominant, submissive, switch, hetero, gay, transgender should treat everyone else with mutual respect. Idle talk, gossip, is not appropriate. The rule is if you can't say anything good about someone, don't say anything at all.

General principals appropriate for everyone in all settings:

If you don't own it, don't touch it. (People and Equipment)

If you are not involved in a scene, do not interrupt.

If you don't know, ask.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

The Basics

There are many protocols in practice in the D/s Scene. Each Dominant, household or community may have their own variations and preferences.

Just remember that while you want to be courteous and respectful of whoever's turf you are on, their protocols are not necessarily yours. So just be nice, it's just that easty.

If someone want to break you over their individual protocols, they are probably not worth your efforts. Pass them by.

Here are some of the things you might see at a D/s gathering.  If it is high protocol gathering you might see some of the following. You might want to employ some of this for your own pleasure.

A. Speaking.

Submissives normally don't speak unless spoken to unless absolutely necessary.

Speaking is often regarded as a privilege and a soft tone of voice is normally preferred or even required.

If a submissive is asked a question, the answer you will hear is normally "Yes, Sir or Ma'am".

If an explanation is necessary, the reply should be, "Sir (or Ma'am), I need furnther guidance because ........, Sir (Ma'am)".

B. Eye Contact.

In some D/s circles a submissive never makes eye contact with any other Dominant.

Eyes are to be cast downward.

When in the presence of your Dom/trainer/mentor, eyes are kept down until spoken to.

When kneeling, eyes and head are always down until recognized by your Dom.

Eye Contact is to be used only for questioning, showing discomfort, expressing a real need for help, assistance, or affirmation.

The high protocol or in service submissive does not do anything to draw attention to themselves while waiting to be recognized.

Here are some things you might see:

1. Kneeling is toward their Dom, not other Doms. Held slightly bowed, eyes down. Thighs are together for mentors and trainers. They are usually only parted only for one's Master.

2. Arms should be at the charges side while standing, or outstretched, palms up when kneeling.

3. Hands are always open never closed or clinched.

4. Head. The tilt of the charge's head is never above that of the Dom.

5. Back. The back shall be straight with good posture.

6. Smiles and laughter should be given looking at the Dom, never while looking down. Otherwise it might be interpreted as mocking or laughing at the Dom. Smiles and laughter are delightful moments and are gifts to your Dom(me), therefore it is acceptable to look at your Dom(me) in those moments, and not throw them to the floor.

C. Interaction in social settings:

1) It is never proper for an uncollared single submissive to attend high protocol social occasions. If it is desirable for them to attend, a special invitation and a Protector Dom/me is appointed by their Dom or the host if the submissive does not have a Dom.

In general, if a submissive does not have a Dom, they should seek a Dom who will allow them to be under their protection and serve as their mentor. This is not the same as collaring or being owned. Such a relationship is that of friendship only.

2) A submissive should address their own Dom/me as Master or Mistress only. It is NEVER APPROPRIATE to address others as Master or Mistress unless they are in some understood relationship with that Dominant. Even though a Dominant may introduce other Dominants as "Master..." or "Mistress...", the submissive is not to refer to anyone but their own Dom(me) as Master or Mistress. Sir or Maam is all a submissive is expected to use.

3) Touching. With the onset of D/s clubs where public play in practiced, it seems some feel that they have license to touch anyone they please. One may see a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, and general light intimacy taking place, but that does not mean someone you choose is fair game for your affections. This is a really good way to get hurt. Never touch a submissive that does not belong to you or that you do not have an understood friendship with. Always approach the Dom(me) who is with the submissive and request permission to speak or touch them.

4) A submissive never initiates any conversation with another Dominant without permission, either in person or online. While many claim they are lifestyle submissives their behavior online and otherwise betrays them. For a submissive to email or initiate chat with another without permission is inexcusable.

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