Seekers.... Your First Steps
by Master Tatu
So this kinky fantasy stuff has caught your attention. You don't know exactly
what it is that's bouncing around in your head, a switch has flipped and
you know you will never ever be the same again. So where do you start? You
really aren't sure how you fit into all this, but you know it is for you.
You are not alone. The first few years will
You will spend months trying to find you bent. You'll ask, what am I? Master? Mistress? Dominant? slave? submissive? switch? Sadist? masochist?, or just generically kinky? You will try it all, experiment and experience a lot of things. This website is about the erotic exchange of power with roles of Dominant and submissive. If you find that you are just generically kinky and that roles such as Master and slave are not to your liking that's ok, but you may find more interesting reading elsewhere. So you decided this world is for you of want to learn about the world Dominance and submission. Now what?
Online Chatrooms First, you are probably looking in the wrong place in the online chatrooms to discover real lifestyle D/s. It is strongly recommend that seekers not go to AOL chatrooms for anything else than socializing, it is not a place for learning and proper understanding. Chatrooms are often taken over by people who have little or no personal experience much less a true understanding of the lifestyle. The only thing 24/7 about them is that they are logged into that room 24 hrs a day. They often viciously attack seekers. They will use derogatory terms like "newbie" or "wannabe", reflecting a superiority complex and scene snobbery that they suffer from which dictates that in order to build themselves up, they must put down on others. They often twist words and misquote in order to make sport of the unaware and naive seekers. It is unfortunate, but it is true. Everyone started somewhere, sometime and was "new". It is unfortunate that these attacks take place. If you go into the rooms you will find the attackers and agitators very easily. They will make themselves evident. The best thing to do is to ignore them. On AOL there is even an IGNORE button that removes their chat from your screen. Most people will be courteous. Still I advise you to minimize your exposure to that sort of thing, and realize that is NOT the real world of D/s.
If you do go into chatrooms, your initial comments in the room should not
be, " 35 Male Dom looking for submissive to use and serve me". Just be honest,
tell the room you are new, and would like to learn. A good bit of ego goes
along with being a Dom, but there are Doms and Dommes that will take a new
Dom/me under their wing and help you learn. The same is true of submissives,
however beware overly aggressive Dom's wanting to be your Master or Mentor.
Take it slow and get to know people. Truth be told 95% of the people in the
chat rooms are new themselves, most having no real time experience, and those
have probably less than 12 months. Realtime Support and Education We are not saying that a lot of good, genuine people don't go to that and other rooms. We all do. But to get the best information, a seeker should seek the counsel of reputable organizations. See our section on "Education and Support Groups" to try and find on near you. These groups offer real time support and education.
By the way if you don't see a group that you are aware of listed there, please
email us with the information, and we will be happy to add it. Take Responsibility For Your Safety One also needs to be aware that due to the very nature of our lifestyle being "out there on the edge", it is understandable that we attract some undesirable or even marginally stable people who have serious problems. One should always be on guard. There are the unscrupulous who prey on submissive women especially. Don't meet anyone privately until you know who you are dealing with. There are enough public events for one to attend to meet and get to know someone. There is no reason one should meet someone privately for any reason, much less "play" with any urgency. Take your time. Check the person out before you agree to meet them. Follow something like the procedures outlined in the "Online to Realtime" essay posted here at this website.
Hopefully, before you ever play privately with anyone, you will be wise enough to seek out and find a safe play space that is attended by another trusted friend or mentor. In these days, some of your more serious lifestylists have home dungeons, get to know them and approach them about having your first play experience with that new person under their supervision. There are many public D/s clubs and parties. If you are o.k. with public play, you may opt to have that first scene in a place like that. There should be a dungeon Master at the party or club. Make him/her aware that this is your first experience and you would like them to keep a close eye on your scene. Make sure, before you ever get to the point of scening, to to negotiate your boundaries. See that essay here at this website before and use it as a guide. If the Dom or sub won't do it, take it as a sign of too much ego for safe play and back off.
If you do meet privately, negotiate your boundaries and use the safe calls. I don't care if you are meeting with the "Grand Poobah" of the "Kinky People of America". Make those safe calls. A Dom recently asked a submissive he was meeting for lunch if she made her safe call. She wanted to dismiss the notion as she assumed the Dom was safe because of his local reputation, his website and his writings. The Dom was flattered, but wisely he insisted she call just for practice. Wise Doms also make safe calls when with a submissive. There are not only unsafe Doms, there are also predatory subs out there that are a little off the bubble. Dominants and submissives need to take all normal precautions.
Every once in a while we hear of someone getting hurt or even killed by some predator. Get involved. The online world is an unreal world. If you are new to the scene. Find people you can look to as "mentors". People you can call and learn from. Attend the support group meetings. Attend the public munches. Be safe.
For those of you who are not ready to come out from the fairly anonymous world of online chat. There are some very good resources available to you to read and learn from. Check out books like S/M 101, Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns. A good online source is Greenery Press or you can probably find these books at some area fetish stores listed here at this site. If you are a male or female seeking Female Dominance take a look at Ten Tips for Partner-Finding by Lady Green. Lady Green has a newsletter that is very good. For further reading take a look at the Recommended Reading section.
* * * * * * *
|
be years
of exploration and experimentation. In the old underground societies all
new seekers began on the "bottom" and earned their way up so to speak. There
is much that can be said for that system. Everyone got to experience
and feel what it is like to be on the "bottom". Some of the best Dominants
today started on the bottom. Common sense tells us that a Dominant should
never take control until s/he knows what it is to be controlled, to serve,
to surrender power, to feel a flogger, a whip on their own flesh before they
dare to apply it to another. Indeed, this is the way many of us began, as
well as most of your old timers in the lifestyle.
